All I Ever Needed to Know
I Learned From The X-Files

 Based on a message originally posted in the Usenet group
in December 1994 by
"Fox Mulder <>"

All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned From The X-Files:
(accept no imitations!)

Always have a doctor in the family, or as a close friend; you never know when you might need one.

Things are rarely as they seem.

A true friend can respect you even after they've seen you in your underwear.

Don't mess with Mother Nature or She'll mess with you.

Always have fresh batteries in your flashlight.

Be punctual. "We lost 9 minutes" just won't cut it with your boss.

Sharp thinking usually comes in handy more often than sharp shooting.

Choose the people you trust very carefully, but then trust them fully.

The Truth Is Out There.

Those were the original 10 by
...follow-ups yielded:

* Trust No One

* Deny Everything

* Paranoia is O.K. if they're really out to get you

* "No Smoking" rules don't apply to everyone (for fans of The Smoking Man)
corollary: Smoking in someone else's car can get you in trouble

* Godzilla movies make good bedtime viewing

* Sunflower seeds are tasty

* If you cut a fluke in half, be sure to retrieve *both* halves

* Don't believe everything you see on a digital display, especially if it says "KILL 'EM ALL"

* If a cloud of bloodsucking little green bugs is out to get you, don't give away the gasoline

* Duchovny looks great in speedos (oops, couldn't help myself)

(above submitted by:)
Allison Percy

always, always, always believe mulder's explanations, no matter how wacko they are.

never, never, never enter any woodland area, ever.

if it wears a suit, trust it about as far as you could throw it.

everybody higher than you in the fbi knows everything that's going on. only trust the ignorant!

never let people stick worms in your ears.

whatever scully's explanation is, (no matter how reasonable) it will always seem less convincing that mulder's, 'cos we all know that mulder is right. (eg: scully: "it was a pyschotic killer who managed to elude the guards, pick the lock on the door, kill the suspect without making a single sound, avoid detection by the video cameras and escape from a fifth floor window". mulder:"it was an alien assassin who was invisible, slid UNDER the door, did not appear on film and killed our man by squeezing all his arteries shut frim the inside. he/she/it escaped by teleportation. i seen this kind of thing before." who do we believe? mulder, obviously!)

above submitted by (A.P. Haines)

Please be careful what you flush down the toilet. You never know what it may look like when you see it next... :)

above by

Go nowhere near British Columbia.

above by Heather Henderson (

Never let a stranger caress your hand.

If a shark stops swimming, it will die.

Don't use campground waste disposal units.

Back is good.

above by Jenny Chism--

All of the remainder are more musings by yours truely (
Fox Mulder <>)...
(for bonus credit, identify the epsiode(s) which inspired each one)
(for double bonus credit, find out my real name...)

Don't kill your never know when they'll be back.

There are 2 things you never report to the government: cash payments and UFOs.

Never go to a remote area without a full biohazard quarantine unit.

Buy a Senator. Its a good investment and you never know when you'll need one.

Always remember your friends' birthdays.

Honor (and don't exsanguinate) thy mother and father.

Never stick anything metal up your nose.

Never accept rides from strangers or EBEs.

Always keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer.

Always bring bug repellant when you go to the great outdoors.

If its monkey-pee, you're on your own.

Be nice to your might not be as stupid as you think.

The bathroom can be the most dangerous room in the house.

Always finish your liver.

Stay close with your family; its easy to lose touch.

All we know is how little we know.

Diet cola can be bad for you, especially if laced with digitalis.

There is no such thing as a coincidence.

When everything else has been ruled out, whatever remains, however implausible
it may be, must be the truth.

Always hang out with people weirder than you. (ie. Mulder and the LoneGunmen)

If anything survives massive radiation poisoning, its a fluke.
(pun on the chernobyl-flukeman)

The F.B.I. does not grant search warrants for UFOs or arrest warrants for EBEs.

Someone is always watching.

If you think noone notices the little things, you're wrong.

2 out of 3 murder victims know their assailant.

Beware of Greeks baring gifts.
corrollary: Beware of Feds baring ANYTHING (or nothing).

If someone mysteriously slips you an audio cassette, 10 to 1 you can't dance
to it.

(re: Mulder's constant lack of hard evidence.)



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