Jokes



I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.


I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.


Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?


I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.


Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.


Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't need him again.


On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.


I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.


Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.


Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.





1. How Dogs and Men Are the Same

Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both are threatened by their own kind.

Both mark their territory.

Both are bad at asking you questions.

Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

Both like dominance games.

Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.



2. How Dogs Are Better Than Men

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs miss you when you're gone.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs don't criticize your friends.

Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

Dogs do not play games with you--except Frisbee (and they never laugh at how you throw).

Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.

You can train a dog.

Dogs are easy to buy for.

You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.

The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)

Dogs understand what no means.

Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.

Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

Dogs admit it when they're lost.

Dogs are color blind.

Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.

Dogs mean it when they kiss you.



3. Where Dogs Fall Short

Men only have two feet that track in mud.

Men can buy you presents.

Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.

Men are a little bit more subtle.

Dogs have dog breath all the time.

Men can do math stuff.

Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.







I think Santa Claus is a woman.... I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

a. Men can't pack a bag.

b. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

c. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.

d. Men don't answer their mail.

e. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."

f. Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

g. Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

h. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.






To: All Employees

From: Management

Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Eggnog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.





COMPUTER BUMPER STICKERS


Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

The name is Baud........James Baud.

BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

Access denied...nah-nah nah-nah nah nah!

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.

Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.

RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

All computers wait at the same speed.

DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed up and automate
errors.

E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.







Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."

Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."

Pastor: "This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer?
"3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand.
"Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," I replied.
My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"

Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?"
I said, " God tells me."
Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.
Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"